“I’ll have the ice vanilla latte,” he said.

The cashier wrinkled her nose. “We don’t have that.”

“It’s on the menu.”

“We don’t have it.”

“What items on your menu do you have?”


“I’ll have a black coffee.”

“We’re out.”

“What do you have?”

“An attitude.”

“I can see that. What would you like me to order?”

“I’d rather you not.”

“I’d rather leave with a drink than without.”

“I’d rather not be working this shit job.”

“Fair enough. Is there someone else here who can help me?”

“I don’t see anybody. Do you?”

“Nope. Could I have that cookie right there?”

“I coughed on it yesterday. Besides you said you wanted something to drink.”

“I thought maybe I’d get something if I changed my order.”

“Dumb strategy.”

“What strategy do you recommend I employ to leave this establishment with something tasty and caffeinated?”

“There are other coffee shops.”

“You’re a real genius marketer aren’t you.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“How so?”

“I know your name”

“What’s my name?”

“You own this chain.”

“Yes, I do. And I’m pretty surprised I can’t get a coffee at my own shop.”

“Insufficient funds would be the problem.”

“I haven’t even tried to pay you yet.”

“I know. These are some bullshit slave wages you’ve been paying me. I suggest you find somewhere else to get your coffee.”