By Published On: December 7th, 2021231 words1.2 min read

1: Send your intern over to your boss’ office. Have them deliver the news. Stand far enough away that you have a head start but close enough that your boss can see you give a salute and slight bow.

2: Follow the CEO into their office and ask them to email your two weeks’ notice to your boss. When the CEO refuses, threaten them with the mustard bottle in your hand. Point the spigot right in their face. When security comes, take your shirt off and sing the praises of the company’s competitors. When you’re escorted out, fart loudly and sing the national anthem. You’re free now. You’re free.

3: Scribble I quit on a half-filled Cheetos bag. Offer the tasty snack to your boss at the end of a meeting. Keep offering until she sees your crappy handwriting. Hold out your hand to shake hers. Apologize when she notices your orange fingers. Grin and back up slowly.

4: Text your boss a white flag GIF.

5: Cry at your desk. Start slow, then transition into a heavy sob. When your boss approaches you, yell “don’t touch me Tanner.” When Tanner asks what’s wrong, tell him that reporting to a kid named Tanner is unsustainable. Tell him that poverty is preferable. Wipe your tears on his shirt. Blow your nose. Grab your bag and limp out to the parking lot.