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1901: we started the company. well, not us. our dad’s dad’s dad. 1951: number one baby. we killed it. captains of industry and all that. [...]
Keep The Change
“Keep the change,” I say. The cashier opens an app on her phone and transfers 44 cents to an investment account. “Do you always do [...]
Ten Percent On 49th
Ferd: Would you like to start a barber shop with me? Jamie: Probably not. Ferd: Why not? Jamie: I think you’re too fat to start [...]
Max The Maximalist
I have 48 varieties of mustard in my fridge. I want a 49th. I have 17 children from 9 different women. I want an 18th. [...]
Cubicle Toast
Some people keep a coffee maker at their desk. Others have enough room to fit a mini fridge. I prefer a toaster. It's sort of [...]
Uncle Ronny Is Sad And Can’t Play
Why are you sad Uncle Ronny? Why don’t you want to come out and play? We’re playing kickball and hit the ball and throw the [...]
Unfortunate Constraints
Professor: What are the constraints of your study on income inequality?Student: Probably the small sample size.Professor: Any constraints with your proposed solution?Student: Hmm...the only people who [...]
You Won’t Regret Petty Theft On Your Deathbed
Chris sits next to his grandfather, Arnie, in the hospital room. Arnie is going to die soon. “I don’t have any regrets,” says Arnie. “No Grandpa? [...]
Kyle Forgave The Devil
The Devil made it to heaven. I heard Jesus is pretty pissed about it. Apparently, Kyle forgave The Devil. And he didn’t have to die [...]
Tommy Is A Bastard
My 5th grade speech was titled “Why Girls Are Dumb.” Tommy gave a speech about aspiring to become a grocer some day. What a weirdo. My [...]