1: He already hangs out with me more (in spirit) on earth. I don’t see why the trend wouldn’t continue.

2: You may be more obedient to the Lord, but your good works are motivated by fear and perfectionism. My dogoodership is entirely based in love and a passion for what’s holy and just.

3: Eternity has no clocks. And without clocks there will be no mechanism to check our unconscious biases. As a human, Jesus is not exempt from bias. Naturally, he will tend to commune with the better personalities amongst the citizens of heaven. I think you know how we compare when it comes to personality.

4: When I read the Bible, I get the sense that Jesus likes to talk. And I don’t want to be too frank here, but you’re not that good of a listener.

5: I’m pretty sure Jesus hasn’t forgotten about that one anti-semitic meme you retweeted in high school.