1: A dazzling capacity for commitment-fueled passion.

2: A moderate sex drive.

3: A sense of disenchantment with previous lovers.

4: Sturdy arms.

5: A bachelor’s degree. Preference goes to candidates with a master’s degree. Immediate marital union is conferred upon applicants with a PhD.

6: A willingness to (at least) consider talking about (potentially) reproducing at some point in the (undecided) future.

7: A plan to repay outstanding personal debts.

8: Proof of ability to forgive minor (and potentially semi-major) sins (both of omission and commission).

9: Basic media literacy.