“Do you have these jeans?” I say. I’m showing a Macy’s worker a clip from an action film on Netflix.
“Which character’s jeans are you referring to?” says the worker.
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“No sir, do you know what brand they are?”
“Are you even watching the clip?” I pull my phone away in disgust.
“There were several characters in the clip you showed me. All I’m asking is that you point out exactly which pair of jeans you’re looking for. We may not have the exact pair, but I’m sure we can find something similar.”
“Going to a department store used to be a completely different experience. The customer used to matter.”
“Working at a department store used to be a completely different experience. No one pulled up the Netflix app on their phone to reference the clothes they wanted.”
“Retail workers used to have skill.”
“And we used to be respected.”
“By who?”
“You’re right. No one.”
“Exactly. Thank you for your time.”
“Don’t you still want to find the pants?”
“Of course not. My entire reason for this trip was to boost my self-esteem, and getting you to agree with me after I insulted you has done more for my confidence than any pair of Keanu-Reeves-style denim ever could.”
“Oh, Keanu’s jeans. Yes, actually. I believe we have that exact pair. There was a whole promotion about it months ago. We finally hauled out the cardboard Keanu display just the other week. Kept him around for the good vibes.”
“Not interested.”
“Really?”
“Truly.”
“You’re a sick person with a weak sense of self, you know that, right?”
“I’m well aware.”
“Good day, sir.”
“Yes, it is a good day, any day I can make a retail worker hate their life a little bit more.”