Stan, Jan, and Harry are the finalists in this year’s Purity Laws Competition.
Each year, over 5,000 applicants enter 3 written laws for a chance to get into the competition.
Only 100 get in. And, of course, only 1 wins.
Participants are required to come up with 3 unique purity laws every round. Each round, 10 participants are voted out. In the second to last round, 7 of the final 10 are sent home.
The panel of judges is made up of 10 unknown individuals who sit behind a black curtain, revealing only their hands to deliver their votes each round. They decide unanimously who continues on to each new round.
There are no standards for the laws. To win, one must simply please the judges. The only clues they provide are brief statements about the final contestants after announcing the winner.
Back to Stan, Jan, and Harry.
Here are their submissions for the final round:
Stan –
1. No more music in elevators. It’s unfair to provide entertainment to privileged elevator-riders when stair-walkers receive no such luxury.
2. Advertisements for cleaning supplies shall be banned from all media—digital, print, or otherwise. All tools for maintaining purity cannot also be featured as promotional interruptions to a reader, viewer, or listener.
3. No more pet rats. Befriending the enemy is sacrilege, even in an attempt to tame.
Jan –
1. Each and every Quiznos shall be burned to the ground. Subway and Jimmy John’s are better guys.
2. Nobody is allowed to brew PBR anymore. The can is cool, but it’s not worth the piss taste. Ya’ll can still make shirts with the PBR print though.
3. No more canned goods without the automatic clip. It shouldn’t be hard to open a can of creamed corn.
Harry –
1. All humans shall draw a distinction between gym socks and other varieties of socks worn for daily use. Any human who wears a pair of socks other than gym socks to the gym shall be executed.
2. All humans without a full 10 fingers must wear gloves at all times. Those with more than 10 shall be institutionalized. Having more or less than 10 toes is cause for public hanging (or crucifixion if deemed necessary).
3. All humans shall have access to a free nail clipper. Universal access to basic nail care is a human right.
The results are in. Here’s the statement from the judges.
“Jan wins cause she has good taste. Stan, you’ve got original ideas but no logic. Harry needs help; we’re concerned for his neighbors. Thank you to all of this year’s contestants and their effort in making the world a purer place for everybody.”