Sean stood on top of the step ladder. He leaned under the closet frame and, with one hand, hoisted the box of decorations towards the top shelf.

The top shelf was hard to reach. More importantly, it was completely out of sight.

The box didn’t make it to the shelf. It tumbled to the ground and revealed its decorations to be of the Valentines variety.

“Goddammit,” grunted Sean.

Newly single, Sean was in no mood to look at Valentines decorations. And the precious forty seconds in which he gathered the decorations into the box again sucked all the energy from his skinny frame.

Sean folded over, smooshing (yes smooshing) the box underneath him, and began to sob. His teeny tiny ankles clicked together uncontrollably as his lament turned into a tantrum.

“I want her back,” he pitifully cried, rolling off the box and knocking the step ladder over. He got up to go sit on the couch, but then the doorbell rang.

Sean remembered that he had ordered pizza. Then he remembered why he had ordered pizza—Pizza Man James.

His girlfriend had cheated on him with Pizza Man James. Sean had found this out two weeks prior. When he found out, he ordered pizza (specially requesting Pizza Man James to deliver) and scheduled the delivery for two weeks in the future.

In all the pain and rejection of the breakup, Sean had forgotten about his planned confrontation.

“Is that you, Pizza Man James?” Sean questioned through the apartment door.

Pizza Man James was silent.

“I don’t want my pizza anymore, Pizza Man James,” Sean said, looking through the peephole at the thick, silent delivery man.

Through the peephole, Sean watched as Pizza Man James sighed, sat down, and proceeded to eat the pepperoni deep dish in his hands.

At first, Sean chuckled to himself at the ridiculousness of Pizza Man James. What kind of idiot does this?

Then slowly, as he watched Pizza Man James take bite after bite of cheesy goodness, Sean grew outraged that the man was enjoying the pizza so much.

“How dare you steal the joys of my life!” cried Sean, banging on the unlocked door of his own apartment. “Let me out there, let me out there!”

Pizza Man James arose from his greasy feast and turned the handle of the door, standing back and letting it open towards Sean.

With hands still flying, Sean rushed into the hallway and tripped over Pizza Man James’ outstretched foot, landing face first into the still steaming pepperoni pie.

Pizza Man James just shook his head and walked away.

Later, one of Sean’s neighbors mentioned that he thought he heard Pizza Man James mutter, “I’ve never seen such small ankles in my life,” but the neighbor wasn’t sure if he really heard it or if he was making it up.