Dear Internet,

Thank you for changing us forever.

All forms of entertainment that used to be guilty pleasures—board games, movies at the theater, romance novels, appointment television—they all feel so productive and soul-fulfilling to us now.

Endless gratitude belongs to you for transforming previous frivolities into the product of our mindful consumption.

You’re the greatest villain who has ever lived.

And we will never chase another scapegoat, for with all the evil that you do, no other innocent mechanism will ever reach your convenient ubiquity.

Our sins are within you. You’re the best place to keep them.

With thankfulness in our hearts, we will leave you to your doing—our destruction.

Yours truly,