Keep your office job. Sit all day. That’s why you went to college. Only leave your chair to get snacks or poop the snacks out. Eat at your desk. Get emails and chats and social media notifications. Get stressed. Drink more caffeine. Get unnecessarily anxious. Take a bite of leftovers. Stare at the screen. Log off. It’s time for supper.

Eat a reasonable supper. Try not to eat too much. Eat one bite more than you need. But only one.

Go workout. Maybe you shouldn’t have had those bites of leftovers. Maybe you should’ve waited to eat supper till after the workout. Nevertheless, feel good about working out.

Your partner hasn’t eaten supper. Maybe you should eat a second supper? After your workout, go to Taco Bell with your partner. Just order one burrito. Only one. Be proud of yourself. So much restraint. You deserve all the burritos after you work out.

Go home. Open the cupboard. Close the cupboard. Drink a glass of water. There’s whiskey in the cupboard. Deny yourself the whiskey. Open the fridge. There’s beer in the fridge. Beer will fill you up. Then you’ll be full. Then you won’t eat more food. Because you don’t eat more food when you’re full. Of course you don’t.

Drink a beer. Read your book. Check Netflix. Check Instagram. Drink another beer. It’s a tasty craft beer. Yum. So tasty. Wow. Check YouTube. One more beer? That would be irresponsible. Craft beer is especially filling. Whiskey isn’t so filling, is it? Whiskey might be just the thing. Keep your buzz going. With whiskey. Whiskey is a great alternative to beer. So little liquid. Less carbs. You’re so low-carb right now. Drinking your whiskey and doomscrolling through IG.

Pour a few more whiskies. Drink a few more. You haven’t eaten in a while. You’re doing so good. Whiskey is a fantastic alternative to snacking. You’re a genius. Have one too many whiskies. Two too many. Or three? You don’t count. Counting is so inaccurate. Feel good.

Wonder if there are any snacks in the house. You have to wonder because you don’t know a thing like that. You hardly ever rummage around in the cupboards for something salty.

Find barbecue chips. Your partner’s chips. Eat them all. Lick your fingers to get them wet. Jab your fist into the interior corner of the bag. Attract all the chip crumbs. Lick your fingers again. You’re a pro at this.

Look at your whiskey glass. It’s empty. What a shame. The bottle is empty too. Double shame. There’s still beer in the fridge. Open the fridge. Grab a beer. Glance at the processed turkey lunch meat. Glance away. Close the fridge. Crack open your beer. Crack open the fridge. Fling the door wide. Eat the turkey. Dip it in the mayo tub. All the turkey. In the mayo tub. In your mouth. In your tummy. Mayo is heaven’s bread.

Finish your beer. Cry one tear. You’re nowhere near a caloric deficit.

Do it again tomorrow.

Do it every other day for all of 2021.

You will gain weight.