By Published On: June 21st, 2018229 words1.1 min read

I’m a king but I hate crowns.

I asked my other king friends if they like their crowns. They all confirmed that they do.

I can’t find anywhere in my king manual whether or not an affinity for crowns is required for the position. Only which days wearing one is required.

I suppose I should keep my distaste for that gaudy form of headwear to myself. I wouldn’t want to offend public opinion and risk my position.

Because I do like being king.

The food is good.

The pay is great.

And since I don’t have a queen, I have my my pick of the kingdom’s best women.

I’m only half as oppressive as the last king, so my PR is in decent shape.

I really can’t complain.

But, the crown is just awful.

And heavy.

And there’s about 54 public events where I’m required to wear it.

I might spend my afternoon drafting up a decree. Decreeing that I don’t have to wear this crown anymore.

But, I’ll frame it right.

“King denies crown; aims to identify with peasants in a greater capacity.”


Make it look like I’m humble.

We’ll do a whole re-coronation event where I’ll be crowned with a Yankees cap.


I hope this works out.

My neck will thank me.