Today, my wife sold our guest bed. I took some of the cash from the sale, got in our car, drove to KFC, ordered their new chicken sandwich, parked in the parking lot, and ate the delicious fried- chicken-between-buns delight. You may know that many of the popular fast food chains are currently participating in The Chicken Sandwich Wars. I, the consumer, am gladly enjoying every battle. Popeye’s is the best. Then KFC. Then McDonalds. Then Chick-fil-A. Burger King has been the worst so far. But I haven’t tried Wendy’s yet.

It is my strongest belief that The Chicken Sandwich Wars are the purest form of war. Whether you participate as a fast food employee, advertising executive, or everyday sandwich consumer, I promise there is no other international conflict as worthy of your presence as this one. And if you are currently engaged in some other war—international, regional, interpersonal, or otherwise—I would admonish you to drop your weapon and make certain your hand does not cause another soul to succumb to death’s call. For with each human body you cut down, you diminish the demand for dead chickens. You squelch the market growth of The Chicken Sandwich Wars. How dare you smite your fellow human, and in so doing, smite the divine will within humanity that reaches out in desirous passion for the exceeding pleasure of crispy chicken sandwiches? End your bloodshed and take up a more noble war. This new cause is smothered in mayo, topped with pickles, and hugged by toasted buns.